Banished Comforts
by Momoiro Usagi
Summary: Ed fights to protect his brother even if it means suppressing his own desires. EdxAl Elricest CHAPTER 4 NOW UP!
1. Something Familiar

Hello everyone! Ok, so I decided to depart from my usual fandom (Fruits Basket) and try a Fullmetal Alchemist story. - For all my regular readers, don't worry, I promise to continue "Quand on se retrouve encore" and possibly write a KyoxHaru story after that. Well, I absolutely love this pairing, but so far this story has been quite a challenge for me...writing first person, in present tense, from an 11 year old's POV...gah! But I hope it's turning out all right! 

Just a note: Yes, this is an elricest story. That means it contains incest and yaoi relations! Also, it is set before the brothers try human transmutation, so they are both quite young. If this bothers you, don't read it! As far as the rating goes, it is K+ right now, but in two chapters I'm increasing the rating to M. Consider yourselves warned! -

Please enjoy and review!

_

* * *

_

_"I want to touch you again, Niisan."_

_I jolt up in my bed, flashing the other boy an abashed grin and hoping the darkness will hide my flushed cheeks. "Al?" I manage to stutter, biting my lip as my heart clenches in my chest. I never expected this, never hoping that he might voice the desire I had hidden in the back of my mind for many years. I really want to believe what he's saying. Forcing my body to relax, I try to meet his glowing stare, longing for reassurance. 'Dammit!' I curse his emotionless steel face._

_"Isn't that weird?" Al continues, not even pausing to consider my shock. I am surprised. Doesn't he realize how awkward this sounds? It seems like he doesn't remember. Was it so terrible that he's already pushed it from his mind? _

_No, that's not possible. There's no way he could ignore what happened between us, not when it meant so much to me. We might have been only children at the time, but some memories never go away. There's just no way. I clench a wad of blanket in my fist. I can't let him see the tears in my eyes._

* * *

Tricia Elric. I stare at the stone in front of me, tracing each letter in my mind. But the words mean nothing. They aren't mom. They aren't the hands that comfort me when I fall down and hurt myself. They aren't the warm embrace I run to in the middle of the night when I'm afraid and can't get to sleep. They aren't good enough to be her!

My stomach feels painfully empty. I study the ground, trying to ignore the onlookers' sympathetic murmurs. They try to pretend they understand, but they just don't! They can't really see how scared I am right now. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get home tonight. How will I go to sleep without her there to kiss me goodnight? How will I cry without someone there to hold me?

I think I am going to throw up. Auntie Pinako's hands feel like ice on my shoulder. I don't like her touch. It just doesn't feel right. It's too different, too foreign. Her fingers aren't soft like mom's. They're cold and clammy like a frog. I shiver.

Winry tries to comfort me, nudging my arm and flashing a teary smile. But I can't look at her. 'I have no right to bother her with my problems,' I look away, slumping my shoulders. 'Not after she's lost so much.' I remember the day she found out that her parents had died in the war. Running home, I clutched mom's skirt, never believing she could go. I always assumed that she would be there for me, for both Al and I. It just couldn't happen to our family. I glare at the ground, hiding my face from my blonde friend's gaze as I brush a mound of dirt with my heel.

At my feet, I sense another trembling form. Al. As I stare at his messy brown locks, my heart clenches suddenly, like someone is trying to rip it out. "Al?" I whisper under my breath, reaching one shaky hand to stroke his back. I hate the sound of his sobs. The people around me don't matter anymore. I only care about easing his pain, forcing the lump from my throat as I kneel beside him on the slippery grass. I have to do this. For mom.

"Niisan?" He manages to croak, accepting my touch with a forced smile. "I just," rattling with fear, the younger boy shifts his weight, leaning against my arm. "I miss her already!" His words comes a little too loudly as he dissolves into tears once more. "I miss her!"

I don't know what I should do. Opening my mouth, I try to find my voice, but it cracks as I hold back my own tears. "Al," I have to be strong. Mom called me a big boy once. I'm probably too old to break down like my brother and sob.

Tugging on his smaller form, I pull him up, meeting Winry's concerned stare with a nod. She shouldn't worry. It's my job to take care of Al, because I promised her, I swore that I would. Looking back towards the younger boy, I struggle to keep a stony face. "Everything's OK." I can't believe my own lie.

His bottom lip quivers. "Niisan?" His shoulders collapse as he hides his face in his hands. "Niisan, it's not," Al shifts his gaze to his feet, "that's not true! It," he chokes on his sobs. "It can't be!"

As his voice rises sharply, the people surrounding us turn to stare. Their eyes are soft, but I'm still annoyed! Why do they have to watch everything we do? They aren't in charge of me! Auntie reaches to grab his shoulder, but I stop her. Her hands look like dead tree branches against Al's soft skin. Completely out of place. "Mom should be," I mutter under my breath, not really caring who hears, "she should be the one holding him right now." Why isn't she here? Why?

Replacing the old woman's touch with my own, I wrap one arm around Al's shoulder, biting my lip until I taste metal in my mouth. He can't see my pain. I have to be a big boy now. "Shh," my voice sounds surprisingly steady. "Mom wouldn't want you to cry."

His eyes slide shut, and I feel him relaxing against my body. "I know, Niisan," he murmurs, trying to catch his breath. "It's just really scary. I don't understand."

I don't understand. Why did this happen to us? Staring ahead with bleary eyes, I try not to watch as a group of men cover the casket with dirt. They're taking mom away from us, and I can do nothing to stop them. If I pretend it isn't really her in the wooden box, I'll only hurt more when I realize the truth. At least that's what Winry told me. But it's too hard to take her advice. As I lean against Al's head, I feel like my body is frozen, like the time I got stuck in the snow and mom had to pull me out. But she isn't here to save me this time, no matter how much I pretend.

Feeling desperate, I clutch Al closer to my chest, needing his warmth. It just seems right, because it's something familiar, and I crave it.

* * *

"Niisan?" Al's voice comes as a tiny squeak as I feel the top bunk shift above me. "Are you still awake?"

"Yeah," I mumble, finding it difficult to hear my own words over the bed's creaks. I roll over, slamming my head into my pillow as I try to get comfortable. I shouldn't have given him the top! It's hard enough to sleep without dealing with a new bed! Twisting under the unfamiliar sheets, I glance towards the window. The sun's already starting to peek through the curtains, but still I don't feel tired. "What time is it?"

"I think it's almost morning," he whispers unnecessarily. His tone sounds slightly crackly, like he has a really bad cold. But I know he isn't sick, even after listening to him sniffle into his blanket for hours. "Niisan, I-," he pauses slightly. "I'm just scared to close my eyes sometimes, because I dream about her, and then, when I wake up," his voice trails off, "I feel so sad."

My head starts to hurt. Nodding in agreement, I study the wall, trying to ignore the growling in my stomach. "Yeah," I mutter, deciding not to tell him how many times I've had the exact same dreams. I hate being alone in the house now, because every time I turn a corner, I expect to see her standing there. I sometimes glance into the kitchen, imagining the smell of her cookies baking in the oven or the sound of a pot boiling on the stove. But soon I realize that I'll never find her here, no matter how hard I look, and I have to leave the room and cry.

Lost in my own thoughts, I don't notice my brother's movements until he climbs off the ladder and sits down on my bed. Gasping softly, I study his moist eyes, cringing at how dark they have become. I'm not sure he's slept since the funeral. "You know, Niisan," he mumbles, his voice becoming faint as he stares at me, "it's OK to cry sometimes, when you're really sad."

No, it isn't. Not when I have to be there to make you feel better. "Yeah, I know," I can't bear to look at his swollen eyes, because they show all the sadness I've tried to ignore in myself. It feels like someone is kicking me in the stomach, like I'm screaming but I can't make a sound. 'Why, Al? Why do we have to go through all this?' Falling back onto the mattress, I study the bed above me. 'Why can't I make you feel any better?'

The bed rattles again, and I gasp as I feel Al lay down beside me. "What?" I exclaim a little too loudly, flipping around to meet his hopeful gaze.

"Is it OK, Niisan," he quivers slightly, hiding his face in his hands. "If I could stay here tonight, I think, well," sniffling to himself, he takes a deep breath, "maybe it'll feel like we have mom back, and I could-."

My stomach jumps at the thought, heat spreading through my body as I remember the way his touch made me feel at the funeral. Something comfortable, and right. Something to keep me from feeling so alone. "Nah, Al!" I force my voice to relax, trying to sound natural. I'm the big brother; he shouldn't know how much I need him to comfort me. "What are you talking about? You never slept with mom! We're too old for something like that!"

"Niisan," he whimpers, ignoring my weak protests as he reaches to clutch my arm. "I'm really, really scared. I don't feel like I'm too old!"

As he makes contact, I feel a tingle spreading through my veins. My skin heats up on its own, and suddenly I can't bring myself to pull away. 'What in the world?' I ask, stunned by my reaction to his touch. We always play together, grabbing each other and wrestling over toys. But it's never felt like this before. I've never needed to be next to him like I do right now. Pushing my confusion away, I gaze into his glittering eyes, feeling my breath quicken. His stare reminds me of the one Winry's dog gives me when I'm getting ready to feed him, and as I study his excited face, I can't say no. "Oh, all right," I slide closer to the wall, spreading a blanket over his shoulders as I invite him to calm down. "But just tonight, OK?"

Nodding, Al gives me a smile. He almost looks happy, like the cheerful little boy that used to play with me and follow me around all day. He almost looks like the family I used to have. "Ok, Niisan," he snuggles against my chest, relaxing as he rests his head against my shoulder. "Thank you."

"It's fine," I promise immediately, not thinking as I pull him into my arms. Resting my fingers on his side, I sigh to myself. His body feels so soft and warm compared to the cold air on my back, making me remember the time I jumped into a stream in the middle of winter and mom had to wrap me in her coat and carry me home. Just like back then, I'm glad to be held. "It's OK."

My eyes slide closed, and I notice his heart pounding against my arm. Focusing on the sound, I start to feel like I might finally fall asleep. "Niisan," he breathes against my neck. It tickles, making me shiver slightly, but for some reason I want him to do it again. "Good night."

"Good night," I pat his head, smiling down at him as he squirms against my side. My face heats up for no reason, and it feels like my stomach is bouncing inside of me, but still I can't let go of him. I don't understand why I feel like this, but I like it.

Watching him as he closes his eyes, I note the kind smile on his face. He looks so nice, so pretty. 'Why am I thinking about this?' I groan, not really understanding why these thoughts are suddenly filling my head. 'Of course he looks nice to me, he's my brother!' I remind myself, forcing my eyes to close. 'He's the only person I have left in the world.' But this is different. I no longer feel warm like I did when mom used to hug me, but instead it seems like my chest is on fire. I am shocked as I feel a tug between my legs, blushing with both embarrassment and confusion. What's wrong with me tonight? 'Al what's happening?'

Shivers crawl down my back, and I don't feel so comfortable anymore. But I still can't pull away. And that makes me sick. 'Why am I thinking like this? I shouldn't. I can't-.' I refuse to let my tears fall from my eyes. 'Is there something wrong with my body?'


	2. My Fault

Yup, another update, and so soon, too! Sometimes I even surprise myself! lol! So, I struggled through another chapter of thinking like an 11 year old boy! I hope it isn't too crappy. I'm always so worried with this story, because I really like it and I want it to turn out really well, and also because I'm not used to writing this way. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter and also those who are reading and posting comments on Live Journal. I love you all:) Thanks so much! I hope you enjoy chapter two...

* * *

"Ugh!" Mumbling under my breath, I toss another packet of papers across the room, biting my lip as I watch the notes scatter all over the floor. "Dammit!" Frustrated, I clench my fist until it glows red. Why can't I concentrate today?

I stare down at dad's book, hoping to find something useful. 'It'd be the only good thing he ever did for us.' But the words are too difficult for me. All I see are sloppy formulas and scribbled codes. But I have to understand. I have to find a way to bring mom back. We need her!

I'm trying really hard to take care of Al, but everything is so confusing! Every night he crawls into my bed and snuggles against me, and I let him do it. I even look forward to it! When he touches me, it seems like my chest is on fire, and I start wanting to feel like that all the time. I like it, much more than I should. Sometimes, when I think about him, weird things happen to my body, and I get so embarrassed that I can't stand to look at him anymore. And, the worst part is, he doesn't understand at all.

I feel sick. 'He's my brother!' Screaming, I kick a heavy notebook at the wall. 'I'm supposed to take care of him, but I'm just messing things up! This isn't what mom wanted!' Winry once told me that moms watch over their children even after they are dead. Does that mean mom can see me right now? Does she know what I want to do when I feel Al's breath against my neck? "No! No! She can't!"

"Niisan?" The door squeaks open. As Al hurries into the room, I kick myself for being so loud. He stops, scanning the piles of books and looking at me with questioning eyes. "Niisan, what are you doing?" His smile disappears as he reaches to touch my arm. "Are you OK?"

I feel my cheeks heat up as he brushes my skin. "Al?" I tingle all over, just like the time I accidentally touched Auntie Pinako's electric wires. But this doesn't hurt. No, it makes my stomach bounce and leaves me hoping for more. But I can't have more. I just can't. "I'm fine!" I'm surprised at how angry my voice sounds as I pull away. "Don't worry about it!"

"Niisan?" His eyes well up with concern. "Niisan, it looks like you're crying!"

"Huh?" I hadn't even noticed. I hide my face in my hands, trying to dry my cheeks before he asks any more questions. "No, I'm fine. I'm just tired, that's all."

He slides one hand down my back. "I'm sorry, I, I think I made you mad, but I don't know why." Offering a shy hug, he doesn't seem to notice the way I shiver under his touch. "If you tell me what I did to make you sad, I'll make it better, I promise."

You're sorry? No, Al, I should be the one saying that! I'm the bad person, not you. You aren't gross like me. "I'm not mad at you," I shrug, forcing myself to relax. "I'm just thinking about a lot of things, OK? Don't worry about it."

Al glances towards one of the open books. "You're thinking about dad, aren't you, Niisan?" His face suddenly becomes serious. "Me too. I've been hoping that maybe-."

"Don't say that!" I cut him off, angry that he would even mention dad right now. It's dad's fault that mom is dead. If he hadn't left, he could've helped her, and we would still have a family. But he doesn't care. "He doesn't care about us at all! You know that, Al. It's his fault she's gone! It's all his fault!"

Al's lips starts to quiver. "But, Niisan! Maybe he really needed to go away. You shouldn't be so mad at him all the time." Hiding his face in his hands, he avoids my gaze. "I'm sure he still loves us."

My heart clenches. "You don't even know him, Al! You don't know what you're talking about!" Snatching a journal from the floor, I stare at it, gritting my teeth as I imagine dad's face. I remember seeing mom, sitting in her room and staring at our family picture. She must have been so lonely! How could he do something like that to her? He must be a horrible person. I hate him! "He made mom cry, Al! She missed him so much!"

"But if she loved him," he steps forward, wiping his fingers across his eyes, "he must be a good person, right?" His voice drops as he rests one hand on my shoulder. But this time I don't like the contact at all, because it makes me even more frustrated. My stomach churns as I feel myself react to him. Al continues, ignoring the glare on my face. "Maybe you should try writing another letter. If he knew what happened to her, I'm sure he'd come back." He offers a fake smile. "Then we could have a family again, and things would be much easier for you, Niisan!"

'Write another letter?' I dig my nails into the leather binding, feeling my whole body tense up. "It's my job to take care of you! I promised mom!" Why can't he see? Dad won't help. He didn't care about mom back then, and he doesn't care about us now. We don't matter anymore. My eyes blur with tears. Raising my hand, I toss the book through the air, hardly believing myself as I watch it crash into Al's face. "We don't matter!"

His eyes widen. "Niisan?" He stares at me, frozen in place. "Why-?"

I watch his shoulders tremble, trying to look away as he sobs. It feels like someone is kicking me in the chest over and over again. And I deserve it. I made my brother cry. I made him hurt when I'm supposed to be taking care of him. I'm so stupid! "Al," I clench my fist. "Al, I'm-."

"Why don't you ever listen to me, Niisan?" He chokes out, shivering. "You never ever listen to me!" Grabbing the journal, he glares, returning my action by tossing it at my head. "I was just trying to help!" His face scrunches up, and his shoulders quiver. He gives me one last, painful stare before running into the hall. "Why do you always act like I'm so stupid?"

I don't care about being a big boy anymore. "Al?" Tears fill my eyes, and, as I reach to dry them, my fingers meet something warm and sticky. Blood. I try to clean it, but that makes it sting even worse. I remember the time I tried to pick up a stray cat and take it home, but ended up with scratches all over my face. Even though I was trying to be nice, I got hurt. This is just like that, but worse. Much worse.

I watch his back disappear out the door, shocked by his words. My cheek throbs, but inside I hurt even more. I can't believe he thinks that! Of course I don't say he's stupid. I love him! I just want to be a good big brother and take care of him. I try to do what's best because I don't want him to get hurt. But he just doesn't understand at all. "Al?"

* * *

'Come on, Al. Where are you?' Staring out the window, I watch the sun disappear behind mom's vegetable garden. Al has been missing for hours. I keep expecting him to swing open the door and tell me he's sorry for ever thinking dad would help us. Every time I hear the gate creak outside, I expect it to be him, but when I go to look he's not there. My stomach growls. The food Auntie Pinako left us is getting cold, but I just can't start dinner without him. Mom always waited for us to come home. She wouldn't want him to eat alone! 'He'll be back. He never stays mad for long.'

I feel like there's a massive weight in my throat, making it hard for me to swallow my tears. Glaring at the wall, I notice a picture of Al and I when we were younger. We're smiling, maybe because we haven't seen how scary life can be. Or maybe we're smiling because we're together. Studying his cheerful face, I can't stay mad. We've always been so happy together. Sure, we've had our fights, but not like this. I shouldn't have treated him so badly, not when he's already in so much pain. I must have really hurt him. I didn't mean to, but it happened. It was my fault, not his. I made another stupid mistake, and now I have to fix it.

Making up my mind, I snatch my coat and throw it around my shoulders, dashing out the door. It's cold tonight. Too cold. A gust of wind blows against my face, and my eyes start to water. Sniffling, I bite my lip, trying to hide my face in my collar.

'Where's he hiding?' I tremble, wishing I could be back in my bed, buried under a pile of blankets. But it wouldn't be the same without Al. As I imagine his body snuggled against mine, I can almost feel my chest getting warm. Suddenly, everything seems much better. I shouldn't want this, but I do. I need to be close to him. I love him so much.

Running down the dirt road, I scan the area, half-expecting to find him behind every tree and bush. 'I love him?' I wonder, my head spinning as all my fears come back to me. Of course I love him, I mean, he's my little brother. I try to reason with myself, but I know I'm lying. This is different. Brothers don't need each other like I need him. There really must be something wrong with me.

Coming to the end of the path, I stop, staring at the stream in front of me. "Al?" A familiar figure sits on the bank, hunched over a pile of rocks. His shoulders quiver as he rests his head on his knees. I feel my heart skip in my chest. "Al! What are you doing?"

"Niisan?" He whirls around, jumping to his feet and clenching his hands into fists. His eyes glitter, and, even though the sun is almost down, I can see he's crying. I hate it when he cries.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I stare at my feet. I can't look at him. It makes me sick to my stomach, because I know it's my fault he's so sad. It's my fault. "I, I'm sorry," I whisper in a squeaky voice. I've never had a problem talking to him before, but for some reason I can't find the right words to say. I hug my arms to my body. "I,I don't think you're stupid." Is that the best I can do?

His face softens. "Niisan?" he wipes his nose on the back of his hand, giving me a tiny smile. "It's OK, it's OK!" Hurrying towards me, he crashes into my chest, knocking us both to the ground. "I shouldn't have asked you to do that. I," he clutches my waist, shivering into my heavy jacket. "I know you don't like talking to dad, but I thought it might be the only way. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I'm sorry, Niisan! I'm sorry."

My eyes widen as we hit the grass. He squirms on top of me, burying his face in my neck and sliding his hands across my back. I can't breathe. "I just don't want you to get hurt," I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to focus on anything other than what Al's doing to me. I shiver, but not because I feel cold. I'm scared. Scared of the things I'm hoping for. "I don't want him to make you cry like he did to mom." His hair tickles my cheek. My body starts to react, leaving me with a bouncy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Blushing, I immediately shift my legs, rolling him off of me and onto the ground beside me. 'Oh, please, please don't notice!' My face heats up. "I'm trying to take care of you, but I'm doing a really bad job, I guess."

"No, you aren't," he doesn't seem to see me as I pull my jacket tighter around my waist. "I'm so happy you're taking care of me. You're nice, and you help me when I'm really sad and when I, well, when I start missing her a lot." He shrugs, looking at the dirt. He's crying again. "I hope we're always together, Niisan. If you ever left I'd," he sniffs, wiping his face on his shirt, "I'd be so lonely. I need you."

"I'll always be here, I promise," I choke, realizing that mom told us the exact same thing before she died. I can hear her voice in my head, feel her holding me and telling me that everything turn out OK for us. She just can't be gone. She promised us. "And I'll bring her back, too. Then we'll be together again, all of us. She told us she'd always be here, remember? We can do it, Al. We can bring her back."

His eyes light up. "I know you can, Niisan. You're so smart." Curling up against my arm, he smiles. Really smiles. He hasn't looked this happy in such a long time. "And I'll help you. I'll try my best to learn, I promise. Then it will be the same as before, right?"

Now I have to do it. For him. "Yeah," I return his grin, feeling my chest warm as I imagine how delighted he will look when I finally bring her back to us. He won't have to stay up all night anymore, crying and asking me why she had to leave us. We can go back to being a happy family, and maybe then all my strange feelings for Al will go away for good. Everything will be normal again. "It will be just like it used to be."

He jolts up suddenly, staring at me with wide eyes. "Niisan, did I do that?" He leans over my face, running his fingers down my cheek, his voice cracking with renewed tears. "Oh no! I'm sorry!"

"Nah, it's OK," I shrug to myself, turning away in hopes of hiding the scratch. "I deserved it."

"No, it's not OK. Mom wouldn't want us to fight like that. She always got so sad when we hurt each other, remember?" He slips one finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. I like the way his hand feels on my face. It's so soft and warm, and I can't help but smile again. My skin tingles slightly at the contact, and I know that I'm turning bright red. But he doesn't stop. "I'll make it better." Dropping his head, he presses his lips against the swollen cut.

My heart feels like it's going to explode. Losing control of my body, I can't stop my hands from tangling in his hair. He's so close to me now. My stomach clenches. He's kissing me. I can't believe this. He's actually kissing my cheek. What's going on? 'Why? Could he possibly-? No, he isn't weird like me. I must be dreaming. This can't be true!'

"There!" He pulls away almost immediately, giving me a proud grin. "Now it's all better! Just like mom used to do!" As soon as his lips are gone, I miss them. My face feels like ice. I shiver, trying to catch my breath as I touch the wound. It's still wet from his kiss. I need him to do it again, I need to feel that strange tug in the pit of my chest. But I know I can't ask for it. I can't ask him to do things I know we shouldn't do. I have to be a good big brother. He continues, apparently not seeing how shocked I am. "Now that mom's gone, I want to take care of you, Niisan. I need to make sure that you're happy, too, OK? Mom would have liked that. That way, when she gets back, she'll be really proud of us for getting along."

I nod, not really hearing his words. He's only doing what mom used to do, so why does it feel so different now? Why am I acting like this? I try so hard to ignore my feelings, but I just can't. I don't understand. It feels like I'm losing control of everything in my life. I don't know who I am anymore. Rising to my feet, I avoid his gaze, afraid that if I look at him I might do something that I'll regret forever. "Hey, dinner's getting cold. We better get home." I turn away, biting my lip as I hear him running after me. He trusts me so much, but if he knew what I dream about whenever he's close to me, he'd probably hate me forever. And I'd deserve it. I'd deserve it for ever hoping he might return my feelings. I'd deserve it, because deep down inside I want him to be gross like me.

"I'm disgusting," I mutter under my breath, not really caring if he hears me. 'But I'll bring her to you, I promise, Al. I'll bring her back so you don't have to deal with me anymore.'


	3. Nighttime Secrets

well, that took a little longer than expected! XP The end of the semester's coming up, and all my classes have been keeping me from more important things like writing fanfiction...stupid classes! - So, I had to bump the rating up a little on this chapter...I hope I handled it OK. To be honest, I'm really self-conscious about writing anything above the PG level in most circumstances. It isn't that I'm embarrassed by fan fiction sex or anything, because I pretty much only read M and NC-17 stories. I just don't think I write them so well! So I hope this is OK:)

Oh, and a very important note: **The second section of this chapter is a dream!** I thought I should warn everyone so you guys don't think I'm writing Al way OOC.

Thanks to all my awesome reviewers! Enjoy!

* * *

"Niisan, look!" Al leans over me, pressing his face against the train window and waving his arms from side to side. "Niisan! Niisan, do you think that's it?"

I rub my eyes. "Huh?" Clamping my hand over my mouth, I hold back a yawn. It's so dark. It must be the middle of the night. "Al, what's-?"

"Niisan!" He whines, squeezing my shoulder and giving me a rough shake. My body jolts. He's touching me again. I feel my face heat up as the same, familiar quivering returns in the pit of my stomach. It's like being so hungry, but having to wait all day for dinner, only this time I know I'll never get what I want. I can't have it. My pants feel tighter, but I pretend I don't know why. Oh god, what's wrong with me? "Niisan, I think," fidgeting in my seat, I barely hear him as he continues, "I think we're almost there! Look!"

Suddenly, I'm paying attention. Pushing my worries aside for a second, I jump up onto my chair, staring into the darkness. In the distance, I can see the faint outline of a small town. A few lamps twinkle in the windows. They look so warm and inviting, almost like they're calling us home just like mom used to do every night before supper. I hope that's it. Oh, I hope we're really in Dublith! My heart clenches. I can barely believe how lucky we are. We're finally going to learn the truth, and now I know we won't have to go to sleep in an empty house ever again. No, when we get back to Rizenbool, we'll finally be able to be happy, like we used to be. We'll learn how to bring her back. We have to! I promised we would. "Al?" I smile, watching his eyes widen. "Do you think-?"

"I don't know! I don't know!" He giggles, falling back into his chair. He swings his legs, looking happier than I've seen him look in months. "What do you think, Niisan? Could that be Dublith? Could it?"

I shrug, trying to act calm. But I'm really squirming inside. I can't wait to start training. I'm sick of waiting! I know I'm ready for this. I know I'll be able to learn real alchemy. I know I can do it, if I just keep studying. She'll show me the truth. "I don't know," I give him a playful smile, pointing across the aisle. "Ask her."

Al bites his lip, shivering as he pulls his knees to his chest. "I, I," he curls up against my arm, his eyes widening as he stares at the couple seated across the aisle. "Sensei?" His voice sounds squeaky and weak. He's terrified, and I can understand why. She is really scary. But I trust her. I have to, because I think she might be the only way. "Sensei, um, are we almost there?"

Her eyes narrow. Ignoring us, she continues to flip through a very heaving-looking book, every once in a while stopping to cough into her handkerchief. So, this is the person we're resting all our hope on? "Of course," I glance back towards the window, nodding to myself. She may not be as warm and gentle as mom used to be, but she's strong and smart. I know she'll be a tough teacher, but I'll do anything she makes me do. It's all worth it, because I'm doing it for him. I am doing it to make Al happy again.

The train lurches. "Get your things," Izumi-sensei stands up, flashing us a grim stare. "We've arrived."

"Did you hear that?" Al springs to his feet, grabbing his bag and skipping towards the door. "We're there! We're finally there!"

The people around us turn and stare. Smiling weakly, I drag my own suitcase out from under the seat, containing my own excitement as I follow after my brother. But my head is spinning. What will happen now? Is this what mom would've wanted? 'Of course.' Watching Al, my heart pounds. He's laughing and smiling, almost like he expects to see mom waiting for us on the other side of the train door. He looks so happy. So beautiful. And I don't want him to be sad ever again. We'll bring mom back, and then he'll stay beautiful forever. It's worth it. "Al! Wait for me!"

* * *

"Al? Is that you?" In my sleep, I can barely feel the softness of another body pushing into my chest. My bed creaks. I try to open my eyes, trembling as hot breath brushes my neck. "What are you-?" My skin feels so warm. I melt against the other's form, forgetting my curiosity as I drift back into a daze. I'm so happy, but I don't know why. Suddenly, I don't care who's laying down beside me. I feel so good. It doesn't really matter why, right? No, wait. That's wrong. It feels like someone is squeezing my stomach, and I'm scared. So scared. What's going on? My eyes fly open, and I try to make out my surroundings. "What are you doing?" 

"Niisan," a tiny voice whispers into my ear. It tickles. My legs tingle unexpectedly, and out of habit I cross them under the blanket. What's he doing to me? "Niisan, I, I can't get to sleep. I-." I look up, only to find him staring down into my face. His eyes sparkle, looking so nervous and confused. But not as confused as I am right now! "Niisan, I, I need you."

I gasp, looking away as I feel my cheeks getting hotter. "Al," my voice shakes. My thoughts are all messy and jumbled. I don't know what to say. It almost feels like I've forgotten how to talk all together. He's lying on top of me, moving against my chest as he works to steady himself. I can't breathe. I'm burning up, but I can't stop shivering. "Al, don't," I bite my lip, "don't be silly."

"I'm not being silly, Niisan!" He sounds hurt. His hands tremble as he reaches to touch my cheek. My heart jolts at the contact. "I'm trying to be serious!" Why's he doing this to me? Does he know how I feel about him? Does he realize what he's doing to my body right now? Can't he feel the way I'm reacting to this? He must know. He must know about all the disgusting things I dream up late at night as I listen to him sighing in his sleep. He must know. But why's he teasing me like this? He should hate me! He should be terrified to touch me like this. He should know better than this. "Please, please believe me, Niisan."

I'm not sure how to respond. He's tempting me, letting me fantasize about what I've sworn not to do. I feel like I'm back in the kitchen at Winry's house, staring at a fresh batch of Auntie's cookies. I want them so badly, but I know I can't take them or I'll get in big trouble when somebody finds out. "Get off of me!" I really don't want him to stop, but I know that's what I should say. It's better for both of us that way. "Al!" I try to sound stern like sensei, but it doesn't work. Instead I just seem desperate. "Al, you have to stop this," I beg under my breath. "We can't, I mean-."

"But I love you, Niisan," A lump clogs my throat as I listen to him. He squeezes his eyes shut, but I can still see tears spilling out from under the lashes. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, clinging to me like he's afraid I'll disappear at any moment. His nails dig into my back. "We both love each other, right?"

"Uh, I-," I don't have time to answer. His lips press against mine, cutting me off as they rub against my tongue. My stomach falls in my chest. "Uhhh," he's kissing me! I can't believe this. He's actually-.

"Does Niisan like that?" His eyes are only inches from mine. They look so hopeful and pleading. It's like he's trying his best to see inside of me. Like he wants to know for sure that I like him as much as he likes me. I know exactly how he feels. I've done it to him so many times before, even if I couldn't admit it to myself. But I can't say anything now. I'm too afraid. His lips move away from my face, curling into a pout. "Niisan?"

"I, uh, Al," I fight to catch my breath. My skin must be glowing red by now. I tear at the blankets, only able to remember the way his tongue tasted in my mouth and the way his hands felt pressed against my back. I can't think anymore. "Al, I, I," I can't stop myself. My mind's all blurry, almost like someone hit me in the back of the head. I blink, trying to see clearly. But all I can see is his face floating above me. "I want this too, Al, I, please, please do it again."

He smiles. "I told you you'd like it!" Suddenly, his hands are all over me, dancing across my stomach and tugging at my hair. My heart feels fluttery under his fingers. I shudder. My whole body seems to tense, and my hips push upwards, needing something more. Something I've imagined him giving me so many times, without really believing it could happen. I'm so embarrassed, but I really don't care very much anymore. He can't stop. I can't stop him.

"Does Niisan like it?" He asks again, nibbling at my skin. It hurts, but it also makes my insides swirl with excitement. I feel a tug between my legs. "What about this?" His hand slides down my waist. It's like he can read my mind! Smiling down at me, he grazes his thumb over the bulge in my pants, giggling softly to himself. "I think you do!"

"Al!" I nearly scream as he touches me. My body feels completely alive, every inch pulsing with some sort of electricity. It feels amazing. I can't even begin to describe it. All I can focus on is the way his fingers squeeze at me through my pants. "Al!" I'm trying to catch my breath, blushing as I stare up at the ceiling. I've lost control of my body. It's twitching and jerking, moving into my brother's grasp, and I can't stop it. Not that I'd want to. "Al!" My thoughts all run together as I close my eyes. His hands are the only thing left in the world, stroking and caressing me in ways I'm too ashamed to touch myself. I yell. "Al!"

* * *

"Niisan? Niisan?" Someone is tugging on my arm, yanking at my blanket and gasping loudly. "Niisan? Are you OK?" 

Jolting up in bed, I'm met by two watery eyes and a concerned frown. "Al?" I blink, trying to focus on my surroundings. That's right, we're in sensei's house. I exhale slightly, but for some reason I'm still fighting for breath. I'm sweating, trembling as I feel my heart racing in my chest. 'Why am I so scared? What-?' Shifting my legs, I notice a sticky spot on the front of my pajamas. 'Oh god,' my hand flies to my lap, tugging the sheets up around my waist. Now I remember. I was dreaming. I flush, "uh, Al, I'm, I'm fine. Did, did something happen?"

"You were being really loud!" His eyes narrow as he sits down on my pillow. He's so close to me. My stomach knots up as I remember the way his hands made me feel as they touched my body. My skin's burning up. "And then you started saying my name, so I thought maybe you needed my help." Oh no. No. No. I don't talk in my sleep. No. He couldn't have heard it. Oh please, Al, just forget about it and go back to bed! "Were you having a bad dream, Niisan?"

"No, no!" I hurry to correct him, the words tumbling from my mouth as I pull the blanket up over my head. "I'm fine, Al, I just," I can't let him see my face. I squirm into my sheets, groaning as the stickiness trickles down my leg. 'Ugh, I'm so dirty!' But I guess I deserve it for thinking about bad things. I deserve it. "Let's just go back to sleep. You need the rest," I chance a glance in his direction, giving him a small smile. "We start training tomorrow, remember?"

"Well, about that, I was," he doesn't seem to be getting off my bed. Instead he keeps watching me, giggling slightly to himself as he leans across the mattress. "I was kind-of wondering, well, since we're in a new house and all," even in the dark, I can tell he's blushing. He fidgets against me, fingering my pajama sleeve. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"What?" I curl up into a tight ball, biting my lip as I shift uncomfortably between the sheets. "What did you-?" I stop, gasping in surprise. He leans forward, wrapping his arms around my neck and collapsing down on top of me. My stomach knots up in my chest. Everything's coming back to me. The dream. The way Al felt as he squirmed against my legs. The taste of his lips pressed against mine. The way I shivered as he slid his hands into my pajamas. Suddenly my wet pants seem too small. It's all happening again! I can't believe this! He's pulling back my blanket, lying down next to me. I shiver as cold air blows against my legs. "Al? What do you think you're doing?" He'll notice. Oh god, he'll feel it. I tug my sheets back over my head, rolling up against the wall. I need to get as far away from him as possible. He can't find out! He can't know! "Stop it!"

"Niisan?" He sounds wounded. I think he's crying again, but I can't bare to check. I bury my head in the pillow, trying my best to block out his sniffles. "But, but, I don't understand! We always sleep like this at home! What's going on?" Before I can resist, he wraps his arms around me, clutching my back to his chest. He's choking me. I'm not sure I can breathe. My throat feels swollen. Oh no! No! "Niisan, why are you all wet?"

"I, I," my voice comes out a little too loudly. I struggle with him, prying his hands off my body as I press my face into the mattress. "Just, never mind!"

Quickly pulling back his hands, he squirms uncomfortably against me. "Now Niisan, it's nothing to be embarrassed about." It sounds like he's having a hard time talking. I can't tell if he's being serious or if he's trying to stop laughing. "I mean, it used to happen to me all the time when I was younger. Maybe you just forgot to use the bathroom before you went to bed?"

It feels like something is falling in my chest. "No, no, Al!" I can't believe he doesn't realize what's going on. Didn't mom get a chance to talk to him about this? He has to see what happened to me. "That's not what it is!" My face is burning up. I shouldn't be the one to tell him about these things. Not when I can't even figure them out myself. I'm starting to get kind-of annoyed. "It's OK, just go back to sleep."

"What? What is it?" I can tell he's worried. He quivers, resting one hand on my arm and giving me a gentle shake. "Why won't you tell me what happened? Come on, Niisan. If you wet the bed, I really think it's OK. I'll just go ask sensei for a towel, and we can clean it up before anyone else finds out." He runs one finger through my hair, pulling at my head until I turn to meet his gaze. "That's what mom always used to do for me."

"Al, I didn't wet the bed!" I demand, too embarrassed to think about anything but making him understand. I guess I have to tell him. Mom isn't here anymore, and since I promised I'd take care of him, I have to do everything she would've done for him. I have to do this. Taking a deep breath, I sit up on my arm, trying to ignore my pounding heart. "Look, that stuff on the front of my pajamas, it's the stuff that babies are made with." I ball up my fists under the blanket, fighting tears. I feel dirty for talking about this, especially with him. It just reminds me of my dream and all the bad things I've wanted him to do to me. I think I'm going to be sick. "When boys get older, they sometimes dream about certain things, and it comes out. You know, like the things people do to each other when they get married." I'm definitely going to be sick. "That's how it happens."

His eyes widen ."So you were thinking about getting married to someone?"

"Uh," I cough, hiding my mouth in my hand. "Not exactly."

"It's OK, Niisan. I think about it, too. All the time." Scooting closer to me, he slides his fingers down my arm and lets it rest on top of my hand. I can feel myself sweating all over the sheets. How can he be touching me like this? Isn't he even a little bit uncomfortable? My head pounds. "I really want to get married someday. Someday, when I'm grown up, I think I might like to marry someone like, well, maybe like Winry." Of course. He's normal. My insides ache with disappointment, even though I don't think they should. Of course he would want someone like Winry. I should be happy that he's not messed up like me. "Or maybe," he continues, stuttering as he wraps one arm around my waist, not seeming to care as his hand brushes the sticky puddle. "Other times I think, well, I think that I might like to marry you."

"What!" I nearly leap out of bed. Did he just say what I think he said? No, of course not. My whole body starts to shake. I'm terrified. I know I must be dreaming again, but I don't want to be. I want this to be real, but at the same time I'm afraid of hurting my brother. He probably doesn't know what he's talking about. "We can't be married, Al! We're brothers! That's just gross!"

"But, but," he trembles, biting his lip as he rolls over to face me. He looks so hurt. I can already see tears rolling down his cheeks. "But I don't think it's gross. It would be just like now." I can tell he's struggling to find the right words. This is my fault. I feel so guilty for making him this upset. My blood feels like ice. I just want to reach out and comfort him, but I'm afraid. Everything's so confusing! I watch him take a deep breath. "We could keep doing all the same things we've always done together. Of course, we could do more things, too," he blushes, "but I think that's OK. Mom told me once that when two people really love each other they should get married. She said that falling in love is never something bad or something people should get in trouble for. So I think it's probably OK."

"Mom said that to you?" I can hardly believe his words. I really must be dreaming. Mom wouldn't think such a thing. She would get mad at me for wanting to be with Al like this. Mom knew that brothers shouldn't get married. "That's not true, Al. It can't be. It's wrong for two brothers to fall in love with each other."

"But I love you, Niisan!" He squeals. I hide my face in the pillow, hoping that he didn't wake up sensei. She would probably send us right back to Rizenbool if she knew all the terrible things we're talking about. My stomach's churning. I can hardly pay attention to him. All the things I've imagined, all the bad dreams I've ever had, they're all coming back to me, flying through my mind and giving me a dizzying headache. My body feels so weird, like it's gone completely numb. I've never fainted before, but I've always thought it would feel like this. What's Al saying? I can't bare to listen. It's all so wrong. "And I think you might love me, too. You were dreaming about me, right? That's why you kept saying my name. If you love me and I love you, then it's OK, right? It has to be OK!"

"You just don't understand, Al," staring into the darkness, I wish I could forget everything I just heard my brother say. But I know I can't. So, he really does have the same sickening desires as me? It just doesn't seem possible, but I know I have to believe him. He sounds too serious to be lying to me. Biting my lip, I listen to his sobs. He's really being serious. But how? He's normal. He's not gross. Why doesn't he know it's wrong to love me like that? My body freezes, my stomach dropping as I reach to touch his arm. "You just don't understand."


	4. An Understanding

Wow, everyone...sorry it took me so long to update. I've kind of switched most of my fan fiction writing to my livejournal account, because I like uncommon pairings, mostly Homunculi-centric, and there just doesn't seem to be an audience for them here. If anyone is actually interested in my other pieces, just tell me and I'll consider posting them here. As for this story, I had a really hard time writing it, and it didn't get as smutty as I intended. I hope everyone likes it, anyways. >.>

* * *

"What does this have to do with alchemy?" I kick my feet in the sticky sand, glaring at the ground as tears swim before my eyes. The island sun burns the back of my head, and I cringe slightly as my stomach screams for something to eat. I try to ignore it. Sniffling, I rub my face, willing the tiny droplets to disappear. I can't let Al see me so scared. Not when I should be taking care of him.

I hear footsteps behind me. "Niisan? Are you mad?" He grabs my shoulder, and I flinch away at the contact. His skin burns against mine, but I'm still shivering, even though it doesn't make any sense. The feeling of him trembling against my body makes my stomach ball up inside my chest. I know I need to turn around and comfort him, but I'm so scared. Scared of these disgusting thoughts swimming around in my head. This monster that's controlling my body. "Niisan?" He continues to plead, shoving a handful of muddy fish bones into my fingers. They feel slimy against my dry skin. "I didn't mean to lose the food! I promise! Please don't be mad at me, Niisan!"

He always does this to me. "It's OK," I whisper, clamping my arms to my waist protectively. His little voice makes my heart jump slightly, and it squirms in my chest like a mouse caught in one of Auntie's traps as I start to think about reaching for him. But I know I can't touch him. It's just wrong. I dry my eyes on my shirt sleeve, not really caring as sand hangs onto my clumpy lashes. It burns and itches, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Turning around, I force a fake smile. "It's OK. Let's just find something else."

He rewards me with a tiny smile. I'm so glad to make him happy. I really am. I know that it's a lie. There really can't be any more food left on this stupid island, but I have to keep hoping. For him. I'm so tired, tired enough that sometimes I feel like I could fall over and never get up again. And the scary thing is, it doesn't sound like such a bad idea at all. Maybe my mind has shriveled up completely. The sun makes me dizzy, and it seems like there are little rocks buried in my head. But I still keep trying. Because I promised Al we would make it through this.

I stare blankly ahead, trying not to focus too hard on the forest in front of me. It looks like it has a life of its own, like one big monster squirming with tiny hands and legs, just waiting to snatch me away when I'm not expecting it. I think back to sensei's warnings about wild animals, and I can't help but groan, clenching my fists until the nails scratch my palms. I watch Al pace slowly forward, pausing in front of me as the sun starts to disappear behind the bushy plants. "Maybe, um, maybe," he giggles to himself, giving me a gentle smile. "I'm not really feeling that hungry anymore, I don't think," his gaze whirls to a particularly-shadowy group of trees. "Is it OK if we just sleep here for the night, Niisan?" He gestures towards a clump of leaves. I think we might've rested here before, but I'm just not sure. Everything looks the same here, especially in the dark.

"Yeah, sure," I shrug, hoping I don't sound too relieved. If this island is a bad dream during the day, it is a nightmare after the sun goes down. It seems to quiver around us, closing in as we try our best to get some rest. Every night I force my eyes closed, pretending I am somewhere nice, like in my own bed back at home, nestled under a pile of blankets and pillows. Talking to Al late into the night. But thinking about that brings even worse thoughts into my mind. The bad things I've sworn not to think about. And when I start thinking about that, the dreams come back and I wake up in a puddle of sweat, promising my brother that I'm really OK. But I'm not OK. No normal person would be thinking this way.

"Niisan?" His grey eyes widen with concern as he falls down on top of the withering plants. "Is something wrong?"

I bite my lips, nodding softly. Joining him, I make sure to lie down as far away as possible from his body, knowing that if I get to close the dreams will come back and I'll only end up hurting him. I play with the hem of my shirt, trying to ignore the way my heart seems to be falling forever in my chest. I'm always so afraid. Afraid of this forest, and of starving to death and dying. Afraid of the way my body is changing. But mostly just afraid of myself. "It's OK, Al. Don't worry." He's scooting closer, but I immediately pull away. I can't get too close. I can't hurt him any more than I already have. "Good night, Al."

* * *

"Niisan?" My brother's voice sneaks into my mind, shaking me from my fitful sleep. At first I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or not, but I decide that the ground wouldn't feel so hard on my back if I were still asleep. I sigh, straining to make out his silhouette in the darkness. Shivering, I hug my arms to my shoulders, rolling over to study Al's worried face. He sees me and offers a tiny smile. "Can you come over here?" 

"What?" I really must be dreaming. I rub my face, hoping to clear the grogginess from my thoughts. "Why?" I jolt, curling up into a protective ball. He can't be asking this of me. Not again. Not after what happened at sensei's house. It just isn't right. He has to know what's going on by now! Why's he doing this to me? "Al?"

"I," I hear the leaves shuffle, trying not to watch as he crawls closer. I can't believe my heart is pounding so loudly! I'm almost afraid he'll hear it. I bring my knees to my chest, curling up as I stare at the sky. Al, why don't you understand? This isn't good. This isn't good at all! "I, I, Niisan?" His voice quivers slightly, and I feel something jerk at my stomach. Is he…crying? What's going on? "Niisan, I, I'm sorry if I did anything to make you mad-."

"Why would you think that?" I hurry to answer, finally finding the strength to meet his teary-eyed stare. I see his lips shake as he hides his face in his dusty palms. I can't believe this. I'm just trying to help him. Why's he acting so upset? "Of course I'm not mad at you, Al." I couldn't be mad at him when I care about him so much. But I try not to think about that, because it makes my face burn uncomfortably. "Did I do anything that made you think I was?"

He stops a few feet away from me, glancing down at his hands. "I, um, well," he coughs. Is he blushing? A tiny voice floats through my mind, whispering about marriage and love and all the things I should never ever think about. He said all that to me, that night at sensei's house. He said he wanted to _marry_ me. But he just doesn't get it. He couldn't have really meant it. He's just too young to understand. "It just seemed like, well," he falls backwards, sitting down and drawing his knees to his chin, "since that one time, well, I was afraid you were ignoring me."

"Oh," he's confirming my worst fears. Did he really mean it? Impossible. But just hearing him talk about that night proves that it really did happen, and I don't like to think about that. Just trying to keep myself from gasping makes my lungs freeze uncomfortably. I squeeze my eyes shut as he lays down beside me, too scared to do anything but fight for air. I squirm against the rocky ground. "No, I wasn't ignoring you," I whisper under my breath, though I'm afraid it's a lie. Was I really avoiding my brother? I think I might've been. Even though I was trying to help, I was pulling away. I guess that wasn't a very nice thing for me to do to him. "I mean," I bite my lip, turning towards him as I muster a cheery smile; "I wasn't trying to."

"Niisan?" I jolt as he pushes against my side, biting my lip as I feel my skin heat up at his touch. No. No. No. This is not the right time to be thinking like this! Rolling over, I meet his stare, cringing as I notice the tears rolling down his face. He looks so helpless: just like that night after mom's funeral. But this time I know it's my fault, and I have no idea what I can do to help him. "What's wrong with you lately?" His voice cracks and he hides his mouth behind his hand. "After mom, well, you were so nice to me, and you always made me feel so much better. But now you keep treating me like you're afraid. Like I did something really bad and now you don't want to be around me. What's going on?"

"Al, really," I can't help myself. I have to reach for him. My fingers clench around his shoulders, keeping him away from my chest but still trying to hold him. I feel my stomach churning. I really didn't mean for it to turn out this way! "You know it isn't like that. I mean, there's nothing wrong. You didn't-."

"If I didn't do anything wrong, why are you acting so weird?" His tone has changed. Now he looks determined, forceful, and even angry. Watching his eyes narrow, I look away, afraid of how much I've hurt him. Why did this all go so terribly wrong? I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear. He shakes off my touch, instead wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. "Remember how we used to lie in bed like this, Niisan? But not anymore! Some nights I'm so scared on this island that I can't even fall asleep. And I know you won't comfort me or keep me safe anymore. But I just want to know why."

He shudders against my chest, squirming. Suddenly my heart starts to pound even faster. My pants tighten at his embrace. No, not now! I'm horrified as I feel my body reacting to him, my cheeks burning in response. I try to throw him off, but it's too late. He's already felt it. Offering a teary smile, he glances down between us, his cheeks glowing crimson. "You know," he whispers, taking a deep breath as he smears the tears across his cheek. "I really meant what I told you at sensei's house."

"Ah, Al," I'm practically chewing my tongue to pieces as I stare up at the cloudy sky. This just can't be happening. He's on top of me, smiling and blushing and reminding me of everything I've tried so hard to forget. I just can't take it. My head is pounding; the forest is spinning around and around as I feel myself starting to get nauseous. What if I threw up? Maybe he'd get off of me then. No, that would just be gross. And then he'd worry about me even more. No, I have to pull myself together. Finally catching my breath, I jam my knees together, squirming uncomfortably. "Let's, let's," I shift, accidentally smashing my shoulder against a pointy rock. But I can't even feel the pain anymore. I've gone completely numb. "Let's just forget about it, OK?"

He releases me, sitting up slowly and staring at me with wide eyes. I can't meet his gaze. Shivering slightly, I already miss his touch, but I know it's wrong. It's just so wrong. But, if it is, why do I want it so badly? "Niisan," I can barely hear him as he hides his face in his hands. My hands shake as I clench them into angry fists at my sides. They shouldn't be longing to touch him like this. Why can't I control myself anymore?

He sniffs, studying my face with shy fascination. "Niisan, please," His hands reach for my face. I should pull away and tell him to stop, but I just can't. His little fingers feel like fire against my skin, trembling clumsily as they slide across my cheek. My stomach bounces, maybe out of fear, or…pleasure? Maybe both. But I really hope not. "Please", he sighs, his voice sounding strained and confused. "Let's just go back to the way things used to be, OK? I don't want you to be afraid of me anymore, Niisan. Without you, I, I don't know what I'd do."

My insides feel like they're melting. His words keep playing over and over in my mind. He really does love me. The very thought makes me feel all cozy, like I'm bundled up under a nice warm blanket rather than lying across a bunch of dusty leaves. I don't want to like it, but I do. It's comforting to know that, even though I've hurt him and don't deserve it, he still cares about me. It's a wonderful feeling. Suddenly, I forget I'm supposed to hate his touches, instead reaching one hand to stroke his arm. His skin feels so incredibly soft. Sandy, but still soft. For some reason I've lost the energy for protest. "Al, it's, it's OK."

Never breaking eye contact, he slides closer, leaning forward until I feel his breath tickling my face. What's he doing? My breath catches in my throat as he reaches one arm to encircle my waist. Why is this happening? And why does it feel so wonderful? Heat races between my legs. The pit of my chest feels warm and relaxed, inviting the contact between us and begging for more. My body won't move. "Al, what's-?"

"Shh, Niisan," he presses one finger to my lips, and the contact makes me dizzy and weak. I'm melting into the ground, trying to catch my breath as something sharp tugs at my stomach. He's getting closer. Our foreheads press together, and I let my eyes slide closed. What-?

Suddenly, my mind screams out to me. "Al, what?" I screech a little too loudly, giving him a light push and watching him roll off of me. I feel freezing without his body nestled beside me, but I also realize it's for the best. The thought of touching him and hurting him with my sickness makes me feel even worse than the thought of being alone. "Just, just stop!"

I watch his watery eyes swell, watch his chapped lips turn down into an injured frown. His gaze travels down my body. His cheeks glow like a piece of coal in Auntie's fire as he opens his mouth to speak. "You know, I, well, Niisan," he turns over onto his belly, pressing his face into the dirt. My head is pounding as I try to take a deep breath, hoping to keep calm as I wait to hear what he's trying to say. "I, I, well," Al continues to stutter, his words muffled by the sand. "I know what happened to you at sensei's house."

"What? Al?" I roll over, needing to get away. My arms and legs feel like they aren't even there. I'm so heavy, and I just keep shaking and shaking. I clench my hands into a fist, trying to stay strong as my stomach goes into spasms. "Just forget it, Al," I groan, fighting the tears from my voice. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but I can't stop my tone from rising. Fear is pounding in my head, sending me into a panic, and I just can't stop. "Just forget it!"

"Why, Niisan?" He's hysterical now, but I know I can't reach for him. Even if I promised mom I would take care of him, I have to let him go. I'll just hurt him more if I try to be a good big brother. I'm just a failure. "Niisan, please." He shakes my shoulders, pressing his face against my back and wetting my shirt sleeve. "I'm so scared and lonely here, Niisan. Please, please don't ignore me. You're the only family I have!"

"We'll bring mom back, Al," I swallow hard, trying to steady the trembling in my chest. "Then you won't need me anymore."

"What are you saying?" He gasps loudly, wrapping me in a desperate hug. I feel like I'm being smothered. Like I'm choking and burning up all at once. He just can't care about me like this. Not after he found out what a monster I am. Please stop lying. Please stop this, Al. "Niisan," he pulls me against his chest, whispering into my neck. "I don't want you to go away. I love you, Niisan. You used to be so nice to me. You always took care of me, and held me when I was scared. I don't want that to go away. I, I love you."

"Well, you shouldn't." I just wish I could go back and erase everything. I wish I could block everything out. Maybe if I fell asleep forever I'd be able to forget this dirty feeling crawling on my skin. I tense up, needing to shake him off: needing to shake off everything. "If you really knew-."

"I _do_ know, Niisan! I really do!" My skin turns to ice, like slimy little frog fingers are crawling up my back. His words are clenching my heart and ripping it apart in my chest. I think I'm going to be sick. "I had a dream about you a few nights ago," he continues, taking a jagged breath. "I feel the same way you do. Why don't you understand? I just, I just," a fresh batch of tears fill his gaze, drizzling down his flushed face. "What if we never get off this island? I just didn't want to, well, you know, without telling you. That's all."

I'm stunned. Stunned by his honesty, and the pain coursing through his words. I'm really hurting him. But I'm trying so hard to do the right thing. I really am trying my best! How could I mess everything up like this? "Al," sitting up, I make a decision. It might not be the right thing to do, but I have to do it, anyways. I can't keep making him cry like this. I can't reject my own brother, even if the thoughts in my head are so disgusting and wrong. He needs me to be here for him and to comfort him. Not because I promised mom I would, but because I promised myself. "Al," I whisper, reaching a hand to brush the tears from his eyes. His skin is warm and inviting, not at all like my clammy hands and feet. My pulse quickens. "Al, I'm, I'm really sorry. I, I just wanted to be a good brother. I was trying my best!"

He attempts a brave smile, placing one shaky hand on my shoulder. "I know, Niisan." He's biting his lip, searching my face as he moves closer once more. "You think it's a bad thing, but mom said that love is never wrong, remember? I, I really think it's OK, I mean, if that's how you feel." I stay silent, nodding my head automatically as I stare into his warm eyes. He really is beautiful. Even now. Even though his hair is covered with sand and dark lines streak his face. I still love him, even now. Even though I know it's wrong, I still love him. "I," he sighs slightly, his gaze darting towards the ground. "If I, well," he shudders, the words tumbling from his mouth in a halted jumble. "If I, um, kissed you right now, would you get mad?"

My heat stops. I can't say anything. Images and feelings that I've tried so hard to chase away suddenly flood my mind. I remember the dream, and the way he felt squirming against me in bed. I remember the way his finger felt against my lips, imagining what it would be like if it had been his tongue, instead. My whole body feels so weird, like it's tingly and jumpy all at once. I can't find any sound in the back of my throat, only managing to shake my head gently and splay one hand across the back of his neck. Oh, Al, I'm sorry if this is wrong, but I can't stop now. You've tempted me, and now my strength is gone. And it doesn't feel so terrible after all. "You can," I manage to croak, scooting closer. "If you want."

I squeeze my eyes shut, expecting him to move. But for some reason we both freeze, inches apart, trying to catch our breath. My stomach falls, churning with fear as I attempt to swallow the lump in my throat. What are we supposed to do? Suddenly, he leans towards me, his nose bumping mine as he presses a tiny kiss on my lips. "Oops," he giggles, rubbing my face apologetically. "Sorry, Niisan."

I open my eyes, shrugging. "It's OK, Al," my lips twist into a tiny smile as determination fills my chest. We can do this. We're grown ups now. I slide one nervous hand down his back, steadying myself as I come closer for another kiss. I press our mouths together, a little too forceful, but it works. Our lips meet, and it feels, well, different. Kind of dry, and confused. Not like I thought it would at all. But the very thought of being this close to him makes my face burn up. I'm drawn to him, like I have to continue.

"Niisan," he whispers against my mouth, licking his lips slightly as we separate for a moment. "What are we supposed to do?" I don't respond, afraid I'll look stupid if I give him the wrong answer. I'm the big brother. I guess I should know about these things, but I really don't. He snickers, as if he can read my mind. "You don't know how, either, do you, Niisan?"

"Of course I do!" Sticking out my chest, I try to sound offended, unable to admit my own weakness. I might be failing at everything else recently, but I should at least know how to do _this_. I've forgotten all my apprehension and guilt, instead scanning my memory for any piece of information that might help me do a better job. I should know what to do! I should-.

He surprised me with another kiss, our lips brushing gently as he flicks his tongue across my salty skin. The contact sends fire racing through my veins. I'm shivering, but still, I'm on fire. I don't quite know what I'm feeling, but I like it. It's not like my dream, but, still, it's real, and it's wonderful. I let my lips part slightly, welcoming him inside. My body is responding, but I'm not embarrassed anymore. Because I feel his pants tightening, just like mine, under my shy touches. I'm not alone. "Al," I sigh, brushing his tongue with mine as another burst of electricity flashes before my eyes. I'm falling into a daze: a cozy, warm kind of daze that makes me forget everything that's ever happened and just lets me relax. I like it. I encircle him in a desperate hug, pressing his body against mine. "I, I really do love you."

"I know, Niisan," he holds me closer, sliding his hands down my back as he pulls his body on top of mine. I lie there for a moment, warming up with each touch and each new sensation dancing in my chest. Listening to his uneven breath, I close my eyes, hoping to forget everything I once thought to be true. This just can't be wrong. It just can't. Not when it makes me feel so good. I rub against him, gasping slightly at the pulsing between my legs. Continuing to hold on to his shoulders, I move. Back and forth. Back and forth. Each time I bump up against him, my legs twitch, and I squirm. It's strange, but wonderful. Groaning in response, he slides his hands between us, spreading his fingers across the bulge in my pants. "It's OK," he moans. "I understand."

* * *

I slide a little further into my seat, watching the island disappear behind us as our boat paddles forward. In front of me, sensei sighs, rowing with strong arms as she glances over her shoulders. Her eyes meet my awkward gaze, and they narrow slightly. She looks so upset. 

She's going to train us, but somehow I don't feel very happy. Because she keeps giving me such weird stares. It's like she knows. But she couldn't. Al and I were alone that night. She just can't know what I did to him. She can't! My stomach churns. I feel absolutely terrible. If anyone finds out my secret, I'll be in big trouble. Al and I will both be in big trouble. What have I done?

We can't ever do this again.

* * *

Only one more chapter left...hopefully I can finish it in a little less time than I took for this update. ;) 


End file.
